Smile like you mean it...

Looking back at sunsets on the east side, we lost track of the time. Dreams aren't what they used to be. Somthings slide by so carelessly. Smile like you mean it. And someone is calling my name from the back from the resturant and someone is playing a game in the house that i grew up in. Someone will drive him around on the same streets that i did. Smile like you mean it.

Its really been a very odd and very strange week. Coming to grips that i won't live in england for the rest of my life. Well not at least in sucsession... Telling my church that. Not as hard as i thought. trying somewhat fruitlessly to get some church histroy done. Not much left to do on the assignment side. But glad i decided to go student visa rather than religious worker. Easier and cheaper to get and i don't have to worry about it when i go home. Going through my stuff so i can take some of it home at christmas. I know it seems early but im only home once this year. I have to make it count. Looking at a couple uni's im really liking the one in virginia beach. I want to live by the ocean. Also i have family there two navel officers. Nice eh? Its warm and only gets mild hurricans. Loved it when i was 12. Im also very glad i have the next 9 months to say good by to my home of what will be three years.

Its been odd working on my own and hard. But mostly having people to talk things through with all the time. I have the lippiatts who are amazing. But not really that many friends. I'm trying really hard but can't really get any of my new friendships far enough that i can feel like i can let down my wall a little bit. Which when your not constantly surrounded by people. You find yourself having to deal with things about yourself that would normally be put to the back burner when your with people. LIke the that ive had a lot a couple people make me unearth a lot of past things that i really just moved on and delt with. I mean with a few things that happened with last year that shook up my bottled emotions but i wans't ready to let my old skeletons out. But now they seem to come out and dance in front of my face. Esepcailly with a mentor that likes to unearth my past and go beyond the smile and everything is fine.

Don't get me wrong things aren't bad in no way what so ever. I'm enjoying my job and people around here. But ive had a lot of people complain that ihave a wall between me and everyone else. My answer to that is well of course its there. What else am i suppose to do? But when my mentor asked me why i don't really let anyone in. I had to think about it for a few minutes. Because no one has ever tried to get in. A few people have knocked. And a couple i even let sit on the wall. Enough that iwould let them inside if they just wanted. Or enough in that they could only hurt me to a certian point and thats it im emotionally turned off and they can't. I finally made some admittence that i was hurt very badly, i used to just say well it wasn't that bad many people had it worse, i lived thorugh it. So i ignored the old wounds. Im hoping that opening some of them up God can't help me heal and i can't become even more of the woman he wants me to be. I'm very thankful that God has brought me through hard parts of my life and it could have been alot worse. I want this year to be a year of healing and He's done so much already.